Probably should be sleeping right now…
There are so many things left to do, so many things on my mind to which I’ve already negatively reacted, and too many things to try and process through them all. But because I haven’t journaled in about a month, I haven’t even really thought about my thinking… which sounds crazy, but it’s necessary to take time to inventory what I believe, who I am, and where I’m going… or else everything starts to get a little screwy… Fine. A lot screwy.
Such as today… I had some ‘free’ time at my internship site this morning and decided to spend 15 minutes writing my thoughts down. Before I knew it, I found myself in the resource closet crying while trying to write down my FRUSTRATIONS. Awesome. It was then, my mentor teacher found me to ask for help with quarter grades. A little embarrassed, I was able to pull myself together and continue going through the motions of living, but only until lunch. I had to get out; go somewhere…
The first bookstore didn’t have what I was looking for, and the second store had too much - A whole row on psychology and I stood there with this other dude in the aisle also looking overwhelmed. There were many books on how to parent a bi-polar child but none on how to parent a manic depressant parent. I flipped through some of the more scientific looking ones… Unfortunately, there aren’t any “friendly comprehensive guides.” There’s nothing friendly about trying to understand all the complexities of personality and the mind… the meds, the uppers, downers, the in-between stages, or mania… It all kind of runs together and makes me want to wet myself out of frustration, fear, and anger. Prozac Nation looked like the most interesting, but I wasn’t about to buy a memoir of another depressed person. I think I find those voices on my own easily enough… because face it; non-happy people tend to find each other… as if pain were a magnet or something.
I left the stores without buying a single book because the sheer knowledge of what I might learn freaked me out. I don’t want to know about genetics, phases, or triggers… I have my own questions:
How much of depression is mental?
How much of it is spiritual?
Is any of it? And if not, is it just a matter of handling the physiological?
How can one know the truth of God if the mind is jacked up (not making the logical connections it needs to come to application/ conclusion)?
Are my behaviors out of spiritual rebellion or some mental disorder?
How much of a ‘crutch’ are mental disorders for those not able to deal with past trauma or resolve life experiences to move forward?
Does the ‘church’ have answers to psychology?
Does God make people crazy/ sick in the head?
Can God heal mental illness? What about the kinds that are in one’s genes?
Didn’t God give us our genes after all?
Am I responsible to understand much of God, or just the stuff I’m able to comprehend?
What do I do with the emotions that swing so low? Isn’t it natural then to not trust the highs… to not want the ‘happiness’s’ because they just jack with my mind?
I thank God for my sane and happy friends who are great conversants. I thank God for hugs, beautiful weather, and fruit. I thank God for dogs and soft things that I can run my hands through. Oh, and for music and colors. And finally, sleep too... because it allows us to start every day anew refreshed and ready to tackle more questions... allowing laughter in between
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But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him; let him put his mouth in the dust-- there may yet be hope; let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults. For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men.
Above, that should have looked like this:
1) When the Darkness Will Not Lift by John Piper
2) Out of the Blues
by Wayne Mack
3) If you can find one in your area, I would
encourage you to consider contacting a biblical counselor certified by NANC
(the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors). This is advice that
I am taking myself. I have an appointment with a biblical counselor
Friday.
4) Here is a list of counseling links where you may find some help with some of your questions.
5) Regarding the church and psychology, some good books are Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands by Paul Tripp, Seeing With New Eyes by David Powlison, When People are Big and God is Small by Ed Welch, Teaching to Observe by Jay Adams, and How People Change by Timothy Lane and Paul Tripp.