There are days when I’m positively sure I’m going to fail. Even if that feeling doesn’t last the whole day, the moments come with such intensity that I believe I’m unable to hold everything together and keep my fears from unraveling into gross reality around me. Yesterday was one of those said days.

I was at my internship school, frustrated at self for making ‘stupid’ mistakes in my presentation, sitting back observing a mentor teacher and growing more an more angry about my lack of control over the situation.
Urban education certainly has a way of flipping personal philosophy on its head. I find myself questioning methods and ‘rules’ of management all the time, asking, “Is this really what these kids need? And if not, how the heck am I supposed to know what students need? And if a kid still fails after a teacher has tried his or her darnest, is it the educator’s fault? Can those on the wrong side of the achievement gap be held responsible? And why should they if society isn’t held responsible? Does government really expect teachers to be these kids ‘saviors’?”…
My head starts spinning inside and I sink into the floor inches at a time, wondering when I’ll be able to come up for air.

Fortunately it comes when my mentor teacher hands me the pen and I stand up to lead the next part of the lesson. Suddenly, I’m in a role… not because ANY of my questions have been answered but because I’ve been given a distraction, a method of influence. I teach, interact, laugh with the kids, and start feeling better. The day ends with me feeling some sort of redemption through ‘doing.’ My body and mind went through the motions of success, whereby my tumultuous heart calmed.

I always knew acting skills were important, but in the ‘professional’ world they seem all the more vital for survival. Which brings me to another thought… if urban neighborhoods are all about respect and posturing of identity in order hold one’s own, how much should we teach ‘acting’ as a way of building esteem?

For example, I met ‘Compassion,’ a high school student today. She doesn’t have any friends and reads about seven grade levels below where she’s slated to be. I wonder how and who she communicates to… I wonder about her thoughts as I pull timid answers out with each question I ask. I try to leave my questions open-ended but she seems to search for words. Pointed questions appear easier to answer. I try to be direct without being political or rude. I want to see her express her self through some way… I’m thinking about bring in some one-acts next time, because ‘acting’ can be such a release from present limitations… “Quick, go don on your masks my friends! Be what you can’t, so that you can later stand what you are…” or something like that…

In somewhat unrelated thoughts, I like Talmudic way of asking things… even 'ridiculous' questions to God.
I like how Jews are not scared to question earnestly because that really means a person wants an answer from God, not merely complaining or avoiding the situation. I say this because I certainly have some questions about ‘why’ things are the way they are in the world… I understand why they think the Messiah hasn’t come yet if the Messiah is supposed to ‘Transform’ the world. Indeed Jesus DID transform the world at his coming, changing our very calendar from B.C. to A.D., giving us new philosophy such as “Love your enemies,” “Turn the other cheek,” “Give to the poor,” don’t forget the widows and so on… Christianity at its core is all about ‘Transformation;’ making fools wise and the wise, fools. Still, I can see their argument about injustices present in our world… It makes me wonder, “Does God allow injustice to occur as part of His judgment? And if so, why are ‘good’ people affected, what do Jews think about judgment in this life (is there any?) and how does the God of wrath (as seen in the Old Testament) make Himself known in the present?” Yes, indeed. How can questions not be loved?

It’s the things I think about that I appreciate the most. In other words, I had no idea I was such a ‘quality time’ person until reflecting upon it lately. Yet from a pedagogical standpoint it makes sense; students learn more when they invest their own thoughts, and the more time spent on self-invested ideas (free of compulsion), the more real and personal those beliefs become.

Why are some ideas more appealing to others? Why do some topics resonate and require further inquiry when other topics do not stir me up so? Probably for the same reasons that some people are easier to talk to than others… because ideas/ beliefs are like people in the sense I get something from them... some sort of condolence and security. Often I value the thoughts I do because they justify my already values… And yet thinking about things that are not my values slowly change me. It’s subtle really. I almost don’t notice the change except that I hear myself think, say, and act askance to conversations previously held… as in my memories.

How strong are memories? How important are values and convictions previously held? Are they just mile-markers on the journey of life or should they be ‘protected’? Yes we are to continue growing, ‘evolving’ our development into maturity… but when does GROWTH diverge from CHANGE? Are the two the same or in opposition to self-development?

“Wait for the Lord” is a phrase that’s stuck out in my mind this week… probably because I’m so bad at following such a directive. I can understand the messenger in 2 Kings 6:33 who sees the famine around him and says, “This disaster is from the LORD. Why should I wait for the LORD any longer?” Elisha’s responds that the messenger will see God open the floodgates of provision, but that he won’t eat any of it.
SO waiting, is really about faith… Patience in the unseen/ unknown… especially when a person wants to do God’s job and ‘fix’ personal points of contention. Hrm.

Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 37:34
Wait for the LORD and keep his way. He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.
Psalm 130:5
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
Proverbs 20:22
Do not say, "I'll pay you back for this wrong!" Wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you.
Isaiah 8:17
I will wait for the LORD, who is hiding his face from the house of Jacob. I will put my trust in him.

All this to say, I’m thinking about faith… wanting to value it, even if I currently spend more ‘quality time’ thinking about my fears and comfort. The inner voice is there and I don’t mean to deny it, but ultimately the hearts starts to look like economics and sides with where I invest the most.

Defensively I say, “Does God have arms to hold? Can He lead me by the hand through a dark place? Can He speak reassurances in my ear? Does His voice speak out against the crowd for me? Does His ‘touch’ quiet my soul, resting, yet wanting more? Can God make me laugh? Can I have ‘fun’ with Him?” Some statements are of ‘can’ and others of ‘do’ because God’s abilities/ qualities change in my mind depending on emotion… I read what the psalmist writes on some of those questions and KNOW yet my experiences/ heart cries out with disbelief.

But where can I go? “He is jealous for me; loves like a hurricane and I am tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.” Therefore, I do take some small comfort in knowing that the messenger will SEE God’s wonders even if he won’t taste of them…

Do you ever do stupid stuff that you know is going to mess things up, but you do it anyway? Why do I do that? I mean, I kind of have an idea as to some of the reasons 'why,' but it takes longer to sort through the reasons and come with alternative methods than to just do the stupid... And to think I'm going into teaching. Ha.

I think it's because I rationalize, "I'll get to that when I have time," but time never really comes and I end up detouring farther and longer than ever intended... not that stupid stuff is ever intended, but allowed... and allowance can become a form of intention... by mere ignorance... (((((wow, I just realized the word ignorance comes from "to ignore"... DANG! ignore-ance... possibly a gerund form of to ignore... a form different than ignoring... end of side tangent)))))

All that to say, I don't mean to be that way... I don't mean to be stupid or unintentional with life. I realize each day is a beautiful gift, and yet it seems so easy to get it wrong.

Are some of us meant to detour? Of course God is greater than our stupidity... Uh. Grace is so much harder to abide by than rules. Not only am I convicted by the law, but the spirit of it which is WAY bigger than only 613 rules. And Jewish people think they have a lot to live up to...